ILY

My door, originally uploaded by Mario Lemafa.

I am like a ceramic bowl when you heat it up in the microwave. It's doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing: holding in the food, heating the food, making the food taste better, looking great while the food is being cooked.

But there's a little crack on the ceramic bowl. A tiny crack that just got bigger and bigger. I'm on the verge of cracking and I just can't seem to hold it together.

Little ceramic bowl which holds so much goodness, reliable as you are as a constant source of nourishment, you are cracked.

Talking to Dagmara about myself, I have had to acknowledge a lot of the underlying issues. She asked me straight up, "Are you happy with yourself?"

Nobody has ever asked me that question directly. I ask myself this question so many times and the answer is always, "Yes."
I have had to rethink.
I have for all my life given half answers regarding my feelings and thoughts. I never completely gave myself away. It was my way of keeping myself from being too involved with any one person. That way I didn't have to have them see what was really inside. Inside me is the most beautiful place with the most wonderful dreams and aspirations and hopes and the kindest words and thoughts.
I was so afraid that all my life changes would destroy that purest part of me.

I think everyone is suicidal at one point in their lives. Not that they will act on their inner thoughts. I imagine a great many people secretly drowning themselves, falling from buildings, overdosing, and crashing in their minds.

In life, I am vastly happy and joyful.
I decided to write about the grief in my life because it is very much a part of me.
It is so brief, but everlasting, such that love contends with it fairly.

Now that I have written, I will go outside and see if I can help solve some problems in the world while enjoying the sun and friends.

ILY

~m~